I had no idea that breast cancer would bring up issues I thought were long ago basically processed and accepted. I got a rude reminder that dealing with major life issues is not something that is ever completely over and done with. Processing those issues, for me anyway, is a spiral rather than a linear process.
In other words, they come back up again at various points in life for more work, prayer, new insights, and new ways of coping. That doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. It is what it is. In this age of the mega bucks self help culture, we are bombarded with quick fix solutions. If we pick and choose from what we read and what we hear, it can be useful. If we don't remember that we are all personally responsible for ourselves and need to integrate our own truth and experiences with what we learn, well, we may be setting ourselves up for a fall. These things don't just apply to people with cancer, but if you are going through the cancer healing journey, finding your individual effective way of dealing with them is more important than ever, a part of healing. At least, that's how I see it.
Sometimes a guide, in my case an oncology art therapist, is invaluable and even necessary. A spiritual director can be very helpful, but with cancer, it's therapy time for me and I'm an old therapist! Through the education I've received in therapy, I've learned that what I was experiencing wasn't unusual for someone on this journey even if others in my life thought I was losing it. And, my astute therapist sees things in me I can't see in myself. There are always things we can't see in ourselves.
I've learned, the hard way, that sometimes the only useful person for me to talk with is my therapist. For the daily impact of treatment, other survivors are great! That doesn't mean I've left my other good friends behind. A few of them are lights for me -- but we don't talk a whole lot about the impact of cancer on my life, although they may not see it that way. And my family has gone to great lengths to assist me, but they have their own lives going on too. Blindness, early dementia, heart surgery, and major stress are just a few of the things they are have on their plates. Life happens to everyone.
There are some very good reasons for being careful who we talk to about what is going on with us on this journey. I'm told I need to put myself first now and I believe that is true. That doesn't have to mean that I forget that others have stuff going on too.
1. Cancer is hard for those around us as well as ourselves. I've sometimes expected too much emotional support from people. I've sometimes forgotten that it's hard for them too. Especially when you look fine, it's hard for people to get it about you. Whent hey look fine, it's sometimes hard for me to remember they have their own stuff.
I know that my intensity has been very hard for people who do not experience life with such intensity but, rather, walk through life at a more even keel that will never be me. I'm not talking about inner peace and seeking balance. I seek that too,in my own way, but not the same way as many of the people in my life. There are a few who get the intensity. Only one doesn't have breast cancer. That intensity is normal for me. It doesn't mean all breast cancer people are like me. One thing I have seen is how survivors who learn to be who they are get along much better with healing.
I sure hope I have learned when to keep my mouth shut. Ok, so I know I will take steps backward as long as forward, but things like remembering The Four Agreements (Seeing the Art Therapist in archives) and having guidelines I keep uppermost in mind make a big difference.
2. It's no big deal for me to tell someone else in treatment, or with any chronic disease, that it took me 45 mintues to get out of bed. Other people don't want to hear it. After all, what can they do? Sometimes that's because they feel helpless. Just because I have times of feeling helpless, doesn'tmean I need to lay that on someone else. I realize that sometimes I'm trying to explain why I don't have the energy to do this or that when I look fine. For me, this is about learning how to have dignity on this journey. Hey, it's only taken me two years to realize that. Maybe you figured that out right away.
Recently, while in the grip of some very painful memories of an abuse experience a lifetime ago--one that changed my self image and my life--I wrote several long emails to an old friend pouring out my pain of the moment. Big mistake.
Why was it a mistake? Here are a few reasons. I don't know if they apply to you, but they are golden pink reminders for me.
1. Some things require professional guidance. Issues interferring with your functioning or frequently on the mind are big clues. Pride can kill--when we need help, we need help. There's no shame in that. It's a normal part of healing. Even if you are doing great and haven't had any problems, cancer therapist have a wealth of information to pass along. To survivors and caretakers alike.
2. Someone who hasn't had cancer or experience working with cancer may be very well meaning, but may give terrible advice. Whether you want advice or not. Most people hear pain and want to solve it -- whether for you or to feel comfortable themselves. Our culture is geared that way. Not many people really understand that what you are going through is part of your process and not who you are.
Professionals see this cancer process every day. While I may feel like I'm the only one feeling this or that, the truth is I'm experiencing a normal part of the journey that tons of others are experiencing. It really, really helps to hear that from a professional. Getting help can move us through the experience rather than staying stuck.
3. Even someone who has had cancer may deal with it and the other things that come up as a result of it in a very, very different way than what will work for me.
4. Some wonderful people hear a "problem" and feel compelled to fix it. Yes, I know I am repeating that. I fall into that trap, too, by the way, on the other side of the fence. But not as often and not as deep. I've learned a whole lot about how not to give advice by receiving bad advice. We are all teachers and students. Sometimes we teach by good example, and sometimes we teach by bad example. All of us. If you're perfect, let me know.
I didn't want my friend to "fix"me. I just wanted her to hear me. I don't know if it would have been different if I'd told her that upfront. In retrospect, I wouldn't say the things I did, because she and I cope with life so very differently. I didn't stop to think about that. Bottom line, I didn't stop to think.
This is what I wasn't stopping to consider:
1. The things that have come up for me with cancer are beyond what most people can handle. Pick and choose who you talk with. Just because someone is a friend doesn't mean it is appropriate or useful to pour your heart out. Finding the right, appropriate, and useful support people is key.
2. People usually project when they give advice. They'll tell you what they would do, but what works for them may not work for you. You may end up feeling worse than before you opened your mouth or, in my case, floweth at the mouth through email. My therapist gave me excellent advice: don't mail an email for 24 hours.
3. People confronted with your pain may become uncomfortable, and say what they need to say to regain their own comfort level. This is especially true if they have unresolved issues they don't see or aren't ready to face. While you feel worse, they may feel better after the conversation because they think they have "helped" even if what they said did the opposite. But, hey, who opened the door? Sometimes we learn who the safe people are by finding out who they are not. It's been hard not to repeat this with the same person. I shake my head over that, but it's true. This is a learning curve about discernment, one of my favorite spiritual topics.
4. Vomiting up my pain on my friend wasn't useful or even fair to either of us. I was acting on pure impusle and not remembering that I do have a brain to think about what I am about to do or say, even if it is chemo brain. That impeccability of using words comes back to mind.
5. If you have different belief systems, you are probably not going to see either the problem or the solution in the same way. For example, my friend's solution for me was to just forget about it and put it behind me. The fact that I'd been ignoring it for decades was what got me to the pain place. That has become clear in therapy.
Telling me that ancient history has nothing to do with today was rather jaw dropping since I was a historian for years. History is important to me, personal and world. I can tell you about my ancestors back into the 1600s. Not to mention once being in a healing profession that made it very clear to me that we are, in part, the product of our experiences and that many of us need to process rather than just flip a switch and forget
it. Cancer doesn't give me that option any more.
There is a huge difference in living in the now and ignoring things from the past that impact our healing. I'm still learning.
That's my experience. What's yours?
Leonora
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